Why we feel so disconnected from our partner?

It is natural to experience a full range of emotions in our relationships, joy and closeness, as well as frustration and pain. However, when we become caught in recurring cycles of misunderstanding, those patterns can begin to affect how close, safe, secure, respected, and intimate we feel with one another. At that point, it becomes important to recognize what I call “the unconscious and destructive cycles of interaction” or the pattern we move into when we are protecting ourselves.

These patterns often form as coping strategies in moments when we feel threatened, hurt, stressed, or anxious. The ways we respond when we feel vulnerable can unintentionally trigger our partner’s vulnerability as well.

When we find ourselves protesting, criticizing, attacking, judging, demanding, blaming or nagging, there is often something tender underneath. The deeper message might be:“Please don’t pull away. Please don’t shut down. I feel lonely and anxious. I need you close so I can feel safe. I want to know you are here with me.”

Yet, saying things like this can feel risky or exposing. Many of us carry unconsiocus or conscious beliefs such as “I shouldn’t be needy,” “I have to be strong,” or “I don’t want to show weakness.” So instead of expressing our vulnerability, we defend ourselves through anger, accusation, or control.

For some of us, instead of protesting, we withdraw. We may become quiet, distant, or appear unaffected, trying to avoid conflict or further hurt. On the inside, our hearts may race, our bodies may freeze, or we may feel overwhelmed. Strategies like accommodating, joking, shutting down, avoiding, or smoothing things over often developed early in life to help us stay safe and preserve connection. When we withdraw, the unspoken message might be:“I want peace. I feel distressed when we are disconnected. I’m trying not to make things worse. I care about you, I just don’t know how to show it right now.”

These are just examples of the many forms of unconscious cycles of connection that can take over when we are afraid of losing connection or experiencing emotional pain.

The first step toward change is awareness, beginning to notice the patterns themselves. From there, we can slowly take the risk to share what is really happening underneath. When we dare to speak from that softer place, our vulnerability often invites closeness, understanding, and the safety we long for.

Reflection: See if you can identify the “unconscious dance” in your relationship. You might recall a recent disagreement or a moment when you felt triggered. How did you respond? How do you imagine your partner experienced you in that moment? What might have been happening underneath for each of you?